II.
Everything I had ever known washed away.
-spiraled
-flew
Everything was now nothing.
---
My mother knocked on my bedroom door to find me indulged in my studies. It was only a matter of time before my mother or my father thought they should interrupt my daze. She opened my door and gave me one of those sickeningly fake smiles. In her hand was an envelope that had been ripped open.
"Darling, why did you not call your father and I once you found out you were accepted?"
"It wasn't an emergency; I didn't want to bother you." I didn't glance at her once.
"Well, you should know this would be an exception to the emergency rule."
"Oh. Well, I didn't think it would count." I was cold, I was not the ideal daughter. I was sure I would never be capable of such flawlessness and had stopped trying long ago.
My mother began to say something to me, but I did not listen, neither did I care. "Mum, I have a big test tomorrow. I need to study if I want to get that scholarship."
She was hesitant to leave my room, but she nodded her head and gave another fake, almost motherly, smile. "Yes, yes. Of course dear."
My father found me in my room- asleep with my head in a book. His hands shook me awake, which gave me comfort that it was not my mother trying to pry me away from this world I had created. My papa and I were similar in many ways. We were both relentless when it came to our desires, we were passionate about the things that meant most to us, we locked everything inside of ourselves, and we both could say things to each other without speaking a word. I loved my papa more than anything in the world. He was the exception to my numbness, he made me feel a slight smile on my face, he allowed me to feel love, and I did not mind that one bit.
Papa smiled at me and I smiled back at him. It was a sleepy grin, of course, but it was a smile none-the-less.
"Addie, why don't you have something to eat" I glanced at the plate in his hand, he knew me well.
"Okay, Papa. Just leave it there, I'll have some when I've finished studying." The plate hit my desk with a clanking sound.
"Your mother told me you got a letter from UMA today." I knew he wished I had been the one to tell him rather than my mother, but she couldn't keep anything to herself.
"Yes," I smiled, "I've been accepted." I popped a cucumber into my mouth and my father leaned down to give me a quick and short squeeze.
"That's wonderful, honey. You're mother and I knew you had nothing to worry about." I squeezed him back and he kissed me on the cheek.
"Thanks, Papa. I've got to finish doing this though." I hesitated, "I love you."
"I love you, too, baby-doll." My father left me to exist in my world, but bits of me wished that he would never leave me alone in it. Papa was the one sliver of hope inside of my heart, he was the only reason I had chosen to apply to colleges in state. He was my hope, and only god knows where any of us would be without hope.
"Darling, why did you not call your father and I once you found out you were accepted?"
"It wasn't an emergency; I didn't want to bother you." I didn't glance at her once.
"Well, you should know this would be an exception to the emergency rule."
"Oh. Well, I didn't think it would count." I was cold, I was not the ideal daughter. I was sure I would never be capable of such flawlessness and had stopped trying long ago.
My mother began to say something to me, but I did not listen, neither did I care. "Mum, I have a big test tomorrow. I need to study if I want to get that scholarship."
She was hesitant to leave my room, but she nodded her head and gave another fake, almost motherly, smile. "Yes, yes. Of course dear."
My father found me in my room- asleep with my head in a book. His hands shook me awake, which gave me comfort that it was not my mother trying to pry me away from this world I had created. My papa and I were similar in many ways. We were both relentless when it came to our desires, we were passionate about the things that meant most to us, we locked everything inside of ourselves, and we both could say things to each other without speaking a word. I loved my papa more than anything in the world. He was the exception to my numbness, he made me feel a slight smile on my face, he allowed me to feel love, and I did not mind that one bit.
Papa smiled at me and I smiled back at him. It was a sleepy grin, of course, but it was a smile none-the-less.
"Addie, why don't you have something to eat" I glanced at the plate in his hand, he knew me well.
"Okay, Papa. Just leave it there, I'll have some when I've finished studying." The plate hit my desk with a clanking sound.
"Your mother told me you got a letter from UMA today." I knew he wished I had been the one to tell him rather than my mother, but she couldn't keep anything to herself.
"Yes," I smiled, "I've been accepted." I popped a cucumber into my mouth and my father leaned down to give me a quick and short squeeze.
"That's wonderful, honey. You're mother and I knew you had nothing to worry about." I squeezed him back and he kissed me on the cheek.
"Thanks, Papa. I've got to finish doing this though." I hesitated, "I love you."
"I love you, too, baby-doll." My father left me to exist in my world, but bits of me wished that he would never leave me alone in it. Papa was the one sliver of hope inside of my heart, he was the only reason I had chosen to apply to colleges in state. He was my hope, and only god knows where any of us would be without hope.
---
There will be more soon.
Posts
This was beyond lovely, as was I.
ReplyDeleteI could relate to you in so many ways...I just wish I had a 'papa' I could relate to.
-lina!
My parents got divorced when i was 7 because my father was abusive. I see him rarely, so in my world he barely exists...which isn't the greatest thing to say. Once again, I'm extremely sorry about your papa, he's in a better place, watching over his darling child.
ReplyDelete